I Just Can't Figure Things Out

It's been four years since I graduated high school. You know what that means? That means while others have gone on to get their four-year degrees I've sat around being like "What do I want to do when I grow up?"

Right now I'm leaning towards a major in Music but THAT MEANS NOTHING because I've 'leaned' this way or that about a hundred times in the past four years and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. As much as I'd like to simplify it into 'Just pick something and stick with it' I've found myself to be a purist of sorts and am against anyone majoring in anything they aren't naturally skilled at. Also, in these past four years, I've found that I'm not naturally (or unnaturally) skilled at anything. Quite the predicament.

Marriage. At least I have that going for me right? Well my wife is mad at me because I can't think and do anything else at the same time, which is kind of a problem even outside of married life. So now I can't go back to bed and deal with these things tonight because she has to get some sleep and go to school early tomorrow morning. ON THE OTHER HAND, I can't stay away from bed because that will only make things worse. No matter what I do, I'll be doing it wrong.

I need to quit doing what I FEEL like and start doing what I NEED TO DO AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS because for me, thinking is like an effort that requires absolutely every fibre of my being to do, and I just can't afford to do that all the time.

Probably because I forget to eat, and that keeps me weak.

I'm a fool.

BALANCE

So, I'm trying to balance my free-days with a number of things, and more often than I'd like to admit, some of those things get buried. Because I've been focusing on piano lately, my drawing suffers, and because I try to save that, I haven't studied Japanese in like...a month. And all of these things are more important to me than starting a vlog...I suppose, although I'd like to do that too.

Of course, on days that I work, I have even less time to split up between all of the hobbies and things I enjoy doing, and I'd hate to take a break from any one of them for any amount of time...

Grr, there are not enough hours in the day. Of course, if there were more, life would be really weird. I imagine that if there were any number of hours added to the day, they would be distributed to each person's activities respectively. For example take a simple 8hr. work/8hr. play/8hr. sleep day. If one hour was added to the day, these would each become 8.33hr. slices of pie. 24 hours a day is probably perfect for me.

I'm grateful for 24-hour days.

Hey Kids

I haven't written in a while (in relation to how often I have been writing). So I will write now...about what I've been doing...lately.

NOT VLOG:
I have no more excuses. Honestly, it's scary...but exciting.

AVATAR:
Not that amazing. It's basically Pocahontas set in the future. Too much hype guys. Calm down.

DRAWING:
I'm turning my focus to piano for a while.

PIANO:
I'm giving it a shot

MORE ON THAT:
No, not 'moron that'.

I was reviewing my patriarchal blessing and I determined to focus my efforts in growing my God-given talents in other areas of my life. Also, drawing may not be something I can accurately describe as one of my 'talents'

I thought I was pretty good.

FOLLOW UP:
About this same time last week I was having an epiphany about 'doing more' as triggered by the hymn 'Have I Done Any Good?'. Looking back on the week, I've done hardly anything that could even scarcely be considered 'productive' however, it is by comparison 'more'. Perhaps I just progress slower than others.

JOB:
Haven't been paid yet; lolzormobile.

I Feel Special

and by 'special' I mean retarded

Remember that movie Happy Feet about the retarded penguin having a terribly handicapped life and then dying alone? Sometimes I feel like my brain just isn't working right, and I don't just mean that it sometimes isn't working. I feel like it's never working right and I can only feel it sometimes.

I have a number of useless skills, and in none of them do I seem to be doing well.

I've just got to keep going I suppose.

I Miss Photoshop

Ever since I quit pirating, I've been missing a lot of things, but none so much as Photoshop. Games, music, videos . . . all of them bland in comparison to Photoshop.

Now I am going to write about mail: I like getting mail, everyone does. You know why? It's because mail is FREE STUFF. Even the things you shop for by mail has a feel of 'freeness' to it. I imagine it is because when you make purchases online, the 'purchasing' part and the 'benefiting-from-purchase' part are split up.

Also, if you get mail, it means somebody cares about you. That's a good feeling too.

Tipping

I should really be making a vlog about this . . .

So we were at Wal-Mart the other day getting a haircut and the stylist was totally unorganized and just . . . blah, and I thought to myself "We should totally not tip her because she's totally not taking her profession seriously." Which wasn't very fair to say. I'm not a very 'fair' person. She then went on and on about all of her kids and how her babies'-daddy is never around and then I took a whole different angle on it . . .

Who then, would deserve a great big tip? A super-professional? Clearly this isn't the right frame of mind to be thinking. Super-professionals charge super-professional prices and are consequently the least in need of huge tips. This lady working at Wal-Mart may just be stuck there her whole life.

We tipped her real good . . .

. . . if 40% is good . . .

Wasting Time on the Webbernets

So you know when you get on your computer to check your e-mail or poke your friend back on Facebook and all of a sudden five hours have gone by? One particular instance of this in my own personal life ended on deviantArt when I ran into an interesting quote that I will now share with you:

"To all young singaporeans who aspire to be an animator or anywhere related in the digital media field...Be prepared to give up your favourite hobbies like gaming and so on...and be a creator, not a player...It's better to create stuff for people than play/watch stuff from people" -NCH85 Emphasis added for . . . emphasis

Then I looked back on the past couple of hours and I threw my hands up in the air and said "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" I really need to quit that off. Of course, I can't very well just forsake The Intertron completely, I've got to look up worksheets for the kids at school! I've got to get information and pictures for the church bulletin on Sunday! I just need to show a little more self-control and spend more time creating and less time viewing.

Things I'd like to do instead of waste countless hours looking at things of little to no importance:
Make a vlog already
Keep drawing every day
Keep writing here
Maybe animate? It looks fun.

It could be argued that in order to create, we need inspiration. That's kind of a lie. I think I've actually stifled my creativity by looking at everyone's everything. It's fun, but not very productive. Don't lie to yourself.

Also, you don't have ADD or ADHD if you can spend eight hours playing Guitar Hero.

Thank you.

Would You Like To Know A Secret?

I'm frightened when I find myself driving next to gasoline trucks. I'm always thinking they're going to explode like they do on the movies. I've never even heard of one exploding in real life, anywhere in the world. What an irrational fear.

I got a hug from my boss yesterday because of the fact that I'm 'such a jewel' and that coincides with the fact that she 'believes in hugs'. That's not the sort of thing that you can just ask about a paycheck after, you know?

My 'dashboard' says that two people follow this blog. I wonder what THAT'S all about. I don't even know how to see who they are. I hope I'm not bothering them or sending a ton of spam to their e-mails--of course--this blog fails to notify me when people reply to posts of mine, so I wouldn't be surprised if it just didn't tell people when I update. Actually, I follow a couple of blogs and I've never gotten an e-mail. I think I'm safe.

Here's another secret: I'm going back to sleep.

My Job

My job is strange. I teach elementary and middle school children in a non-profit organization's after-school programme. That's not weird. What's weird is that I hate it until I show up. I've had a number of jobs before, probably about a third of which that I have to convince myself consist of tolerable amounts of physical labour, JUST to get myself to show up. Of course, this doesn't always work. With this job, it kind of works the opposite way . . .

I'm on my third month of working and I haven't been paid yet. It's especially frustrating because my wife and I are in a sizeable amount of credit card debt. The sooner I get paid, the less interest will accumulate. Perhaps you can imagine what sort of effect that has on our budget. When it gets closer and closer to the time I need to leave for work, I get more and more frustrated with my boss.

Another thing most people don't realize, is that this programme is only for children who aren't doing well in school. While it isn't necessarily fair to say that all children doing poorly in school are problem children, one could easily make that deduction from the select individuals I deal with. I wake up and spend hours putting together a lesson plan, but in the end, I know somebody will be throwing a tantrum (more than likely an elementary school child).

There have been times when quitting has crossed my mind, especially due to the fact that I would get to stay home and quit working so hard and I would still be getting paid the same amount. I just can't afford to be working for free right now, and yet . . . something keeps me from quitting. Something happens to my brain on the way to work, or maybe it happens AT work, but I just feel like my job is too important to quit. I'm not entirely certain if that means important to ME or important to SOME KIDS, or what. Also, I really don't like the idea of looking for work again. Those are always depressing times and I always hate them a lot. Right now, I think I like my job, but only when I'm doing it.

I've even headed to work with the intention of making a big deal over not being paid yet. I planned to go in and set my foot down. I was going to tell it to them like it was because this is the real world and you can't just NOT PAY your employees. These people aren't my friends, they're my employers . . . but then . . . I go in and say "Any progress on getting paid any time soon?" and they say "We just moved some money around in such a way that will make you feel like we're getting closer, but we still aren't going to pay you." and to that I say "Great. I'll get back to work."

I don't understand, but I guess I don't need to. There was a while when Toni was a little upset with me for not making it as big of a deal to them as I should have been, but I think we're past that now. Last time they actually gave me a date by when I should expect my paycheck, it just . . . isn't for two weeks still.

Also, there's a guy who sounds and teaches as if he were Bill Cosby.

Back

After whining incessantly on both Facebook and deviantArt for no real reason--and in combination with the new year, ushering in change for the better--I've finally returned to my old blog where I just . . . I just don't know what I'll be doing here, but I'm sure it won't be important or matter much to anyone for any reason.

First off, I'd like to say: I lost the button on my pants, but then I realized that it totally didn't matter because I wear a belt.

Secondly, I'd like to say that my job is kind of a pain, not just because it's a pain, but because they've failed to pay me for the past three months.

There we go. In an attempt to both share and hide my complainantive nature, I think I have rediscovered the perfect haven for said purpose. In the unlikely event of a stray set of eyes on my blog, I say "Stay tuned for insider opinions on things you're very likely to not care about very much at all."